So i got a gig at the stand tomorrow sounds stupid but its been my dream ever since i got into comedy ,ever since  Stewart Lee filmed his 41st best comedian ever DvD i thought i may get to play it if i stick at it for years i realy didnt expect to be offered a slot after 7 months I have no idea what set im gunna do or if it will work at all but i cant wait! wish me luck (im gunna need it).

My smoking is getting out of hand im not sure i enjoy it , im also making it one of the main contributers to my insomnia although at this moment in time im latching on to any excuse i can find . I’ve been back home for a week now nearly and it feels strange too many memorys mostly good but one bad that i cant shake off , im slipping back into old patterns. I met a girl when i was out last night who was beautifull and she asked to see me again and i said no, have i finally gone mad it just felt wrong but why im not sure i even care, i care more about hurting her feelings but im sure she will move on fast ,she was far too pretty for me at one point when she was complementing me i wanted to stop her and say you definelty wont feel this way in the morning and to be honest i dont want to see you in the morning .. so again i get back in a bed that im borrowing from my brother alone and leave a space at the side even though i know she will never be there when i wake up

So ive had an idea for a film/short story i have several ideas that i think are great but i know wont work most of my ideas include women who’s talents and vertues are held back buy a man who doesnt understand but in the same way he loves them, i sat and thought to my self why i think like that my new script that im working on is inspired by a girl i know who i know reasonably well she is nothing but lovely yet i feel im destroying her character in this, ive figured to my self that romance is an emotion i keep coming back to everytime its an emotion that im far too comfortable with and i always romantasise (if thats a word) every thought or idea i have i am not funny enough to be a comedian and i have too much pathos in my writing to write drama so in the end ive decided to write romance and hope like minded people will latch onto it and even for a brief second smile .

Tonight im sat smoking in my brothers garden watching two birds in a tree they have no idea that im here or i they do they neither see me as a threat or concern they are in love why would they care , she misses him when he goes or the other way round hard to tell with birds ,they are beautifull and there house looks to give them all the comfort they need i wonder what there plans are for the future , i bet they dont have one why would they there in love

been looking at clouds last night i suffer from severe insomnia so i spend my time looking at clouds lame i know but it ges me buy i never see anything though ,anything i like, i desperatly wanna see her face i have no pictures exept one, just memorys that everyday become more vague she was beautifull i can asure you that i promose i wouldnt lie , im sure of it she used to laugh every day i cant remember her sad not even at the end although my memorys are as i mentioned vauge … oneday ill see her again i wont, i know that there is no god or heaven i mean ill get a photo or a memory back im sure i want to i promise i wouldnt lie about that why would i im certain i dont want to forget, how can i. i I see her from the second i wake up to eventually when i sleep im sure i will do soon i promise i wouldnt lie about that .

I wonder if any of you have ever seen her dance , now at first I should explain that dancing to me is abhorrent I refuse it at any circumstance but the way she does it is enchanting its strange to think were that close yet couldn’t be more distant in stature as well as grace but for me were the same two halves of a coin if one side was considerably heavier and wears glasses
this town to me becomes far more less of a cesspit with her, her out look one of a beautiful nievety yet considerable confidence and strenght as a pose to my misanthropic narcissism ,the only person where clichés of fashion and attitude never existed and beauty that a lotus flower would kill its children for yet it seems I will just have to watch her dance at the side and appease my self with phrase’s like no not tonight or honestly I just don’t dance